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A backward porn addiction is when a person intentionally attempts to lure the gaze of another person through physical manipulation, either by what they are wearing or by how they look. The hidden motive of the heart is that if she can draw attention to herself, she will feel better about herself. I never heard the term—though I am familiar with the concept—until I was discipling a couple with marriage problems a few years ago. The wife began to talk about her struggles with what she called a backward porn addiction. I was amazed more by her humility than by the term. She shamefully shared how she found a perverse pleasure in capturing the gaze of guys. It gave her a secret power surge that filled a void in her soul. She talked about her fixation on her appearance. This over-concern about her physicality had leeched into other sinful areas of her heart. The result was that she dressed for other people rather than for the Lord.
She also talked about how she felt affirmed and appreciated when guys looked at her. Though she knew what she was doing was sinful, and her presupposition regarding love had become twisted (2 Corinthians 10:3-6), she did not know how to change, or stated differently, the satisfaction of the craving was stronger than her desire to change (James 1:14-15). She struggled with life-long battles of insecurity, which was a carryover from her former manner of life that she brought into her new life with Christ (Ephesians 4:22). Instead of doing the hard work of changing, she chose a much easier path of dressing in such a way that tempted others to notice—especially men. Her surprising humility opened the door for a few questions, which she was eager to discuss. For this chapter, I will reformat some of my questions to her to give you an opportunity to reflect on your motives about modesty, clothes, appearance, fellow image-bearers, and God.
My friend was not actively pursuing traditional porn avenues, though she was hooked on a feeling that motivated her to feed her porn addiction in a backward kind of way. Her reverse porn addiction led to other ancillary sins that connected to her core heart problem. Sin never plays fair, and once it crosses the threshold of our hearts, it will seek to devour its prey by destroying every room in our hearts. One of those ancillary sin problems was the subtle pleasure of feeling smug (self-righteous) in her judgments about dirty men who looked at porn. How ironic. Because her addiction was not as overt as dirty old men looking at porn, her reasoning ran along these lines: “Guys are sleazy. They disgust me with the way they gawk at women.”
While her assessment was correct about lust-hungry, dirty old men who fill their lust cups through gawking, her choice to dress in such a way as to draw attention to herself was not more spiritual, biblical, or honoring to God. Her self-righteous posturing and hair-splitting had dulled her conscience to the point of self-deception (Hebrews 4:7-8). Two people’s porn addictions may be going in different directions—forward and backward—but both of them have corrupted and captured souls that snatch God’s glory for self-glorification. Mercifully, my friend was self-aware and self-disclosing. She talked about how a backward porn addiction manifests itself differently. She mentioned three specific ways:
She told me how it’s a common practice when women are in a small group to check out the other people in the group. While some women do this for ideas about clothing or maybe because they enjoy the way their friend dresses, there is a darker side to people gazing, and she was humble enough to say the quiet part aloud. She said, “We are checking out the competition to see how we compare. We want to see what the other woman has or if what we have is better.” The apparent heart issue that she was identifying was insecurity, a fear that motivates someone to be overly concerned about how they look. My friend was referring to the other woman’s physique.
Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding (2 Corinthians 10:12).
Paul suggested that a person like this is without understanding; it’s a nicer way of saying they are fools. The line of thinking suggests that if she were more attractive, she would feel better about herself. Of course, it’s a stronghold waiting to happen: if she does not look as good as other women, the temptations of envy, jealousy, anger, bitterness, or even depression will soon follow. These insecure women who cannot compete with those they believe are prettier will find the fatal flaw in the other women, which gives their self-righteous souls a boost. At least they can look down on those they deem prettier. They never see the pitfall: there will always be a prettier woman. The beauty gods have blessed these “superior women,” or they have tricked the beauty gods through human engineering to where nobody can compete with them.
Unable to meet the beauty standards of the elite leads to despair for the runners-up. Always comparing yourself to others is one of the reasons porn is so devastating to a woman. In her mind, she cannot compete with what her husband is looking at on the Internet. And she can’t! It’s like competing with the Marvel universe. There is Plasti-woman, Insta-girl, and ready-for-action cyber babe—the fake people our delusional culture grades as perfect tens. No sane woman can compete with that kind of instant fake-ness, and no biblical-minded woman would want to, which is why adultery is so excruciating. Adultery shatters a wife’s world because she knows—among many other things—that the competition has ousted her.
I appreciated my friend’s honest and transparent willingness to make the conversation about her need for change rather than hijacking the counseling session as a ruse to hide her hidden heart idolatries. She could have because our meetings were due to her husband’s porn addiction. After several weeks of counseling and much-needed work in her husband’s heart, the kind Counselor (Spirit of God) turned the light on her. She did not have to say what she told me. Imagine if she had not. No doubt, her husband would have found help, which he did, and changed. But they would have gone home with a dirty little secret—in her heart. God would not let her alone, and she would no longer resist what He was doing in her.
Most people have a hard time discussing a worldview that is so thought-exposing. She was revealing the secret handshake among the fraternity of women, but what she shared was not the entire story. There is another plot twist to her porn addiction. A backward porn addiction is more than checking out the competition to feel superior to them or drown in despair because of them. Another aspect of this addiction is a woman’s subtle desire to capture the gaze of a man. Gaze capturing can be a deceptive and appealing drug for an insecure woman. She feels a sense of power when she makes a man look more than once. Though she may be disgusted at the thought of adultery, she is flattered by his gaze.
Her soul was in a battle over opinions: What do other men think of me, or what does God think of me? Whose opinion will manage her? Whose opinion will drive her clothing choices? Whose eyes or attention will she attempt to attract? These questions are triggering and tempting. They say there is nothing wrong with trying to feel sexy or look attractive. These women drone on by laying the entire problem in the man’s lust if he looks too long. Yes, it is the man’s fault if he lingers too long, but it is naive and deceptive to refuse any responsibility for fellow image-bearers. Everyone knows when they are manipulating someone, which is a gift of God’s Spirit to bring such gentle reminders about our motives and actions. No Christian should be that detached from their real motives, including our sinful ones.
Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble (1 Corinthians 8:13).
Let me paraphrase Paul in 1 Corinthians 8:13: “Therefore if the way I dress makes my brother stumble, I will never dress in a way that may capture his attention, lest I make my brother stumble.” The impulsive person responds, “I could dress in a burlap sack, and a man would lust after me.” Probably. Some men. However, when the argument immediately shifts toward others without careful consideration of yourself, you’ve already crossed biblical lines (Matthew 7:3-5). Lustful men lust. True. The more humble starter question should model my friend who had every right to lambaste her porn-searching husband, but her heart was not so hard to where she could not hear the Spirit’s voice (Hebrews 3:7). Do you dress in a way that seeks to capture the gaze of a man? Will you honestly and humbly answer the question? If you are genuinely unsure, will you ask someone their perspective about how you present yourself to the public? Would you ask the Lord to give you the grace and courage to assess the way you take care of your body? These questions would make an excellent conversation between husbands and wives, as well as a good discussion for a small group of women.
This problem does not land squarely on women, though this chapter is about my humble friend identifying a universal struggle with so many of our sisters. However, a woman’s body appearance and clothing selections are also a leadership responsibility for the men in their lives, especially husbands and dads. Perhaps a few insightful questions for husbands and dads would provide a leadership opportunity for them, too.
I’m sure you know that the ladies in your home struggle with insecurity. The biblical record affirms that all people—male and female—struggle with some form of fear of man (Proverbs 29:25). Our culture is relentless in presenting what is perfect when it comes to our bodies. Their targeted marketing and our sense of Adamic shame form a crippling mindset that can take the strongest heart captive. Having this awareness should motivate us to index into proactivity because we already know the ladies in our homes do care about what others think about them. Thus, we must be intentionally redemptive in their lives, engaging them about their temptations, motivations, and the grace of God.
Mable’s parents said she would never go to the mailbox without putting on make-up. They saw this as a positive character trait. They were glad that she cared about herself. Her parents were undiscerning. Fear of man controlled Mable: what people thought about her mattered more to her than anything else, even God’s favorable opinion of her. She was a fearful idolator who believed she needed to pay close attention and exacting detail to how she looked to others. Rather than shepherding her through this life-dominating sin pattern, Mable’s parents applauded her desire to be attractive. Her insecurity and emptiness grew. Trying to maintain a high level of beauty for people’s approval is for the insecure person, like what crack is for the addict. Mable needed to be freed from the beauty trap and reacquainted with the gospel.
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast (Ephesians 2:8-9),
Not only are Christians saved by grace, but grace is the means through which sanctification happens. The Christian’s complete salvation—including sanctification—is a gift from God. The insecure person, who is in bondage to the beauty trap, will seek to overcome their problem through self-effort by over-caring about what they look like or what they wear. Suppose Mable did overcome her insecurity by making herself beautiful enough to feel better about herself. She would still be in bondage because she would only be as strong as her ability to stay beautiful. She could even fake humility by talking about how she overcame her insecurity, as her eyes go to the floor while shuffling her feet and giving glory to God. “Oh, He’s been so kind to me.” But she would always have a low-grade awareness of losing her ability to stay beautiful forever (2 Corinthians 1:8-9, 4:7, 12:7-10).
Beauty’s deception and accompanying legalism create a formidable tandem. It’s an insatiable fixation that leads to more sinful and painful manipulations. The primary deception is that she will react to her insecurity by competing with her culture, hoping to manipulate her friends while appeasing the beauty gods. She’ll misdiagnose the real battlefield: she’s in a tug-o-war with the only one who can free her (James 4:6). God wants to release her from the grips of a controlling culture so she can find peace in Him alone. Freedom comes through weakness, not strength or beauty (2 Corinthians 12:10).
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).