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Hi, my name is Biffina. I’m 22 years old. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted guys to like me. It makes me feel good to catch the eye of a guy. I realize men are weak; the perfect opportunity for an adrenaline rush to manipulate them with my looks. Honestly, I don’t want to sleep with any of them or even date them. They’re perverts. Okay, maybe I would like to have sex with a couple of them, but it’s mostly about getting their attention. I like the power when I catch them watching me. It’s like fifteen minutes of fame in a fantastical way.
I was in Starbucks the other day, and there was this guy with his wife. (I think it was his wife.) She did not see me because her back was to me, but he was facing me. The whole time he was talking to his wife, he was scoping me out. If we were alone, I would have left because he gave me the creeps. I’m so glad he was with his wife and could only sneak looks. (I’d hate to be her.) I owned that dude. He was under my spell, and it felt good. I suspect if this creep knew how I was manipulating him, he would be ticked (or maybe embarrassed). Then again, he may be delusional, thinking I was interested, or so perverted that he doesn’t care. We both were getting our fix on in Starbucks. I teased him. He took a thirty-minute spin into his fantasy world. We go our merry way.
The Path to Lust
When I was a child, I used to idolize my dad. He had a strong personality and seemed to know everything. There was no doubt he ruled the roost. Mom never talked back to him, and the little chickadees toed the line. Dad was our angry ruler of the roost. By the time I became a teen, the selfishness and anger my dad had for Mom began to spill over on me. I didn’t know how to process it at first. I always assumed he was right and that what he did to Mom was their deal, not mine. Then he got mad at me, though I did not connect the dots initially.
It was during my teenage years when it occurred to me it was his problem, not mine. I always assumed I was wrong when he yelled at me. “I am the problem.” What does a punk kid like me know anyhow? After I became a teen, I learned it was not always my fault, my brother’s, or my mom’s. It took me a long time to get here, but I did learn eventually: My dad is an angry, selfish man. He didn’t love me; he didn’t love anyone but himself. He was a pompous, self-absorbed jerk who expected everything to go his way, and if it didn’t, he would go off on us. It all came to a head when I was fifteen. That’s when I realized I was cute, had the right kind of body, and boys liked me. It is hard for me to explain how good it feels to know I am not as bad as my dad made me feel. It was like, “Finally! Somebody liked me!”
The Lust Rules
I would spend about an hour getting ready for school. I always made sure my shorts were just short enough and my panty lines showed through. I learned that trick from my sister. She was a senior when I hit high school. We bonded quickly, and she taught me the rules of lust—as we liked to call them. She told me how guys preferred to leave things to the imagination. “Never show it all, sis. Only give them enough to where they can fill in the rest.” That was her motto. There were some things we did in school that would give my dad a coronary if he knew—but he never knew, which is one of the upsides to having a self-absorbed, emotionally detached father.
He kept his head stuck up his reputation so much that he was blind to what was going on with us. He thought he was on top of things. He was only on top of his image. As long as I went to church, said all the right things, and made A’s in school, he left me alone—for the most part. I made him look good; I checked the boxes that kept his reputation intact and lived the way I wanted to.
Score!
Biffina
Biffina’s story is pure fiction. But not really. At Life Over Coffee, we can monitor the search criteria of people who are looking for content on our site. Though we cannot tell who the individuals are, we can know what they are looking for by their search criteria. It helps me to know what to write about if I know what folks are looking for. Recently, I was scrolling through a few searches and noticed there were a lot of people using search criteria that began with “How to.” One of those “How to” searches was “How to get guys to lust after me.” Initially, I laughed, but as I continued to reflect on this person’s search, my knee-jerk reaction turned sad. I was not shocked by what I saw. This person is representative of millions of women who enjoy the pleasure of a guy’s lustful gaze. She represents what is at the heart of broken humanity, which is not gender exclusive; men like women noticing them, too.
There is something inside of us that wants to be appreciated, accepted, loved, and respected by others. We were born this way because God put those desires in our hearts (Genesis 1:27; 1 John 4:8; 2 Timothy 2:15). Being made in the image of God comes with the hardwired desire to be loved, which was fully satisfied at the dawn of time when a perfect Being made perfectly contented people. Adam and Eve experienced the sinless reciprocal love between each other and their Creator. Then their dawn turned dark, and everything blew sideways. Satan threw the first family a curve ball when he dramatically took control of their approval drives. What used to be satisfied by sinless means could now be met by evil manipulations. Desires became depraved, and the man and woman could exercise a new up-fitted power that scratched their ungodly cravings for love, approval, significance, and acceptance.
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire (James 1:14).
Almighty God, you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in you, so lead us by your Spirit so that in this life we may live to your glory and in the life to enjoy you forever. – Augustine
What God meant for good for all humanity, the devil meant for evil (Genesis 50:20; Romans 5:12). The objects of our affection changed after our first parents succumbed to sin, and our desire for love fell prey to the distorting effects of sin. Biffina is a case study of a person born with an Adamic deficit who sinfully craves approval, significance, acceptance, and affection. She has yet to come to the regenerating place of finding those things in God (John 3:7), and to make matters worse, her dad compounded her preexisting Adamic condition. One of two things will happen to Biffina: She will find God despite her dad, or she will continue on the same self-centered path as her dad. He gave her a fantastic education. He made sure she attended the right church. He legislated excellence in every way. If the world were producing children, his children would be the prototypes. But there was a proverbial fly in his parenting methodological ointment—two to be exact: He refused to factor in the spiritual dynamics of her heart, and his self-absorption fed and motivated her Adamic desire for serial lusting.
You can give a child all the accouterments of the world, but if you don’t spiritually shepherd their hearts toward the Lord, all your efforts will more than likely blow up in your face. Biffina’s strongest desire is to be emotionally connected by love to someone—to anyone—and she does not know how “God alone” is the fulfillment of those desires. Her dad was the gatekeeper of her soul. He had the opportunity to cooperate with God in directing her heart to the Lord by his other-centered example or tempt her to go the way of the world. By the time she was twelve, the Adamic possibilities of the world had captured her heart.
Too often, parents who miss this important opportunity to help their children down a righteous path do not understand how their own lukewarm (or non-existent) spiritual relationship with Christ impacts the children they are supposed to guide. You cannot export to your children what you don’t possess. Biffina’s dad did not have an authentic walk with God, which disqualified him from helping her have one. What he did export to her was what was in his heart: self-centeredness, self-absorption, and self-actualization, which motivated her to reject both him and God. Hypocrisy does not play well with Christianity; it ruins families.
It is one thing for an unbeliever to deny God. They do it because they do not believe it works. What would you expect them to do? But it is profoundly sad when Christianized children with Christianized parents reject Christ. These kids do so because they have seen objective proof that it’s a hoax, as they have observed their hypocritical parents. If parents put forth Christianity as the way, but Christianity does not authentically grip and affect them, there is a good chance their children will reject Christianity. If they do come to Christ at all, it will be despite the parent’s parenting, which usually happens after the children leave home.
The good news is that God does not hide what our motives for serving Him should be. Exodus 20:3 is one clear example of this, as we are told to put no other gods before the Sovereign Lord. Matthew 22:37 is another place where Jesus said loving the Lord more than anything else must be preeminent in our hearts (Colossians 1:18). He went on to say in Luke 14:26 that all love, when compared to our love for God, should look like hate. There is no mystery here. If we want to be part of what God can do in our children’s lives, specifically as it pertains to their sensuality and desires for love, the place to begin is in our hearts. Here are a few more questions that may help you reflect upon your heart’s motivations for participating in Christianity.
It may benefit you to share your thoughts with a friend. Two of the more beautiful things about Christianity are that we enjoy our life with Christ in a community and that we can always have a do-over. The world tries to evolve to a better self-made image through behavioral modification strategies and techniques. Christians are transformed into the image of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 3:18), as the Word of God (James 1:22) and the Spirit of God have their way in our hearts (Ephesians 4:30; 1 Thessalonians 5:19).
Perhaps you have blown it with your child. Do not be discouraged. It’s not too late to change (Psalm 32:1-3). No matter what you have done wrong, God can bring good out of it. Grace has broad borders for people who are prone to wander. You can be part of your child’s God-centered solution. Keep in mind that children don’t insulate themselves from the lusts of the world. They were born with sinful desires in their hearts. They are not isolated from the attitudes, words, and behaviors of their parents. The battle against your child’s cravings begins in your heart, not theirs, and it’s your family community context that is the most prominent redemptive influence in this fight. Will you help your child to set her affections on Jesus? Start with the questions that I have asked in this call to action. Share your responses with a friend, and then begin mapping a plan to cooperate with God in the restoration of your child.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
