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If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways (James 1:5-8).
James understood human psychology—the study of the soul—and was not surprised when he observed odd behavior from his friends. Of course, being Jesus’s half-brother had to be a plus in his ongoing discipleship training and relationship-making. Moving back and forth from faith to fear and back to faith again is our mutual human experience. Some days, we stand on the promises of God, and other days, we feel buried under an avalanche of other things that disrupt our faith. We can be like the father with the sick boy in Mark 9:24: “I believe; help my unbelief.” To varying degrees, we will be unbelieving believers until Jesus returns. Perfect, uninterrupted faith is a great idea, but it is impossible for fallen people because of impure hearts, sin’s encroachments, and our adversary—the devil (1 Peter 5:8).
Impure hearts represent the hidden things that need the clarity of God’s Word to bring them to the surface (Hebrews 4:13). Part of fear’s deception motivates us to hide behind our unique-to-us fig leaves (Genesis 3:7). We are afraid, which prompts us to keep these things from others. If we don’t have unhindered access to our friends, there will be times when their actions will appear unstable. Their behavior will confuse us when they begin acting in strange ways. Two conditions contribute to creating this kind of behavior.
James instructs us about the possibilities of another life that exists inside of us—a manifestation of a fear-based person—and what can happen when fear controls our hearts. This problem is why our behavior moves so easily from stability to instability. Let me illustrate with a case study.
Mable married Biff twenty-one years ago. For most of those years, Biff has had an anger problem. He has a selfish ideal of how life should be, and when it does not go according to his gospel, he reacts with anger. Sometimes, Biff was volatile and accusative. Other times, he would sulk like Ahab, manipulating the situation through silence (1 Kings 21:5). He has trained Mable well. She learned the ropes early, knowing when to speak and when not to speak. Biff has been mostly unaware of what has been going on in Mable’s heart. From his perspective, she was fine as long as she was not demanding too much from him. What he did not perceive was that Mable was building a secret world in her heart that was wrapped in fear.
Initially, Mable’s secret world was mostly about being afraid of Biff. But as the marriage progressed and his anger continued unabated, her fear metastasized into bitterness, frustration, hopelessness, unforgiveness, regret, jealousy, and hurt. These were soul-diminishing combinations for Mable, who had no avenues to find help. She lost herself in women’s ministry, but ministry is not a sanctification solution for a troubled marriage. Ignoring a problem by working harder for the Lord does not work. A prison of silence had incarcerated Mable, and it was churning in her soul. Then, with seemingly no provocation and to Biff’s complete surprise, she went off the deep end, exploding at Biff just before she walked out the door for the last time.
Biff sat in my office dumbfounded. From his perspective, the marriage was good, though not fabulous. He worked hard. He provided for his family. They lived in the best neighborhood and lacked virtually nothing. He was genuinely perplexed by her behavior. He was even more overwhelmed by her emails that laid out what seemed to be everything she had thought but never said for the past two decades. Biff said,
I have no idea who this woman is. It’s like she has two heads. We have been married for more than twenty years, and now I believe that I have married a stranger. He is right. He does not know Mable.
He has made little effort to understand her beyond getting a handle on the misguided and secularized love language teaching. He gave her what she wanted but could not provide what she needed. His attempts to care for his wife never went beyond behavioral modification or his commitment to do better, which always ran out of gas. He understood her as much as he wanted to, and if there were things that would challenge his obligation to do soul care, he would not delve deeper with Mable. Biff liked his wife, but being caught in his sin of anger coupled with her double-minded fear, things were more complicated than they should have been for their marriage to survive. Their relationship gives a more profound and nuanced meaning to Peter’s appeal:
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).
Warning: This case study is a theological and psychological study about how fear morphs into other sin patterns that perpetuate dysfunction in relationships. It is not a discussion about blame, especially placing primary responsibility on Mable for the demise of their marriage. The point of this chapter is to help identify what happens in our hearts if we don’t bring our fears into the light and proper soul care happens while realizing in some relationships, the hurdles are higher than they should be, which creates the exact scenario we have in this fictional marriage.
James suggests that we all have the propensity not to trust God fully. He says when doubt comes, our behavior will move toward instability. This problem is the human condition that Adam and Eve gifted to us (Romans 5:12) and the primary point I’m addressing here. However, there is much to say about Biff, the initiator and primary culprit in this marriage case study.
Mable was not entirely sanctified, and Biff’s anger— unwittingly—exposed her hidden fears. Their lives were a silent and vicious cycle. Biff would bark, and Mable would self-censor. Mable was much more aware of what was happening to her, but she was obviously afraid to confront her husband. She was lost somewhere between faith and fear, with no one to care for her. Biff was mostly oblivious and unqualified, and her community did not know what was happening inside their hearts or their home. Biff had the opportunity and privilege to understand his wife, but he not only fell on the job, he complicated an already complicated soul. He rolled through his home large and in charge, and Mable learned to toe the line, trying to keep him happy while silently longing for Biff to love her well. There was only so much silence her soul could contain before it overflowed into shocking behavior.
Because Mable is an illustration of all of us, here are two things to think about when you are tempted to go into two-headedness.
You Cannot Live Like This: It is impossible to live in an ongoing suspension between fear and faith without it negatively affecting your soul. Mable is a typical example of a person stuck in this tension. There was a truth she perceived about her life and marriage, but she was not correctly appropriating the grace the Lord provides. Again, we recognize the added complexity of Biff’s anger and would never dismiss it if there were a real-life case study. Still, for this chapter, we are interacting with merely one aspect, which is Mable’s double-mindedness and the consequences. Mable was understandably afraid of her husband, and she was unwittingly pressing the truth she knew further down into her soul ( James 4:17). Paul talked about this in Romans.
For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth (Romans 1:18).
This verse sounds harsh when applied to someone like Mable, who is a victim of her husband’s anger. I do not mean it harshly, but theologically. Carefully unpack what Paul is saying. The Lord is in opposition to anyone who will not reach out for His truth in their time of need but chooses to suppress the truth while doing things their way. If you humble yourself and trust His way through the process, He will provide a path forward. If you do not follow His way through the process, He will be the opposition in the person’s life, even if the individual is not the primary culprit regarding what is happening (James 4:6).
If you are in need of God’s wisdom, do not suppress it out of your life by not seeking it while clinging to your way of fixing your problems. That approach will lead to death (Proverbs 14:12, 16:25). Mable was doing what James said not to do, and she was experiencing a slow death by a thousand paper cuts. It first began as fear. Rather than seeking the Lord’s wisdom, she suppressed her fear. What 83 she did not know was how her fear was going to metastasize. As the years went by, a host of other sins began to attach themselves to her soul. In time, this became more than she could endure. Even in the end, she did not seek the Lord’s wisdom but chose to leave her marriage.
You Must Get Help: James says if you lack wisdom, you must ask for it, bringing us to a crucial question: how do you find wisdom? Some individuals teach that all you have to do is pray. That singular act will not work well because the Lord’s wisdom comes to us in various ways. Prayer is essential, no doubt. Then there is the Word of God. We also have the illuminating power of the Spirit of God. Lastly, we have the community of God. The Lord has placed these countermeasures with checks and balances to ensure we have His pure wisdom that comes from above. This multi-perspective approach keeps us from engaging in foolish behavior. Let me illustrate the beauty of God’s four countermeasures by talking about how isolating them from each other can lead you down the wrong path.
The wisdom of the Lord is needful, but we must access it comprehensively. Mable did not do this. She should have responded to Biff with love, grace, and courage. Though God calls her to submit to her husband, she has every right to confront him. As things were, Mable did not love her husband biblically. Sin had caught Biff in a trap of his making (cf. Galatians 6:1-2), and she could have been a major means of grace to restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Though she is not responsible for his sin, and there are many other aspects to their marriage problems, for this case study, we’re focusing on Mable’s double-mindedness and how she got there. With this in view, here are six tips that will help anyone in a similar place.
Like Aaron and Hur holding up the arms of Moses, you will need support from competent friends (Exodus 17:12). You cannot go back into the prison of your marriage without help because you will default to the habituation of fear and all its accompanying and unwanted enemies of the soul. As you continue to trust the Lord by fighting for your soul and your marriage, you may need to access the protective and authoritative care of your local church. If your relationship regresses, the church must become your covering and voice.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).
