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For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise (Psalm 51:16-17).
The first place to begin is in your heart, as it relates to God. You do this by discerning what the Lord wants from you. All life problems begin vertically rather than horizontally. Therefore, you desire to learn how to apply the greatest commandment practically—to love God most of all—before thinking about loving others second most of all (Matthew 22:36-40). That is where Lucia and I began, and King David gave us insight into how. David gives us a vital template to think about when working through relational brokenness.
After many months of rebellion, the Lord started a persevering process of bringing David to Himself. When David thought about what was of first importance regarding his past actions, he did not begin with the horizontal works of reconciliation. Though a backward glance at David’s nefarious activities saw a lot of sin that had strained and broken his most intimate relationships, the pressing thing on David’s to-do list was a right heart before the Lord. He sat in the rubble of his blunders and begged God for clarity on where to begin fixing the past mistakes (Psalm 51:2, 7). God wanted a contrite heart because David’s brokenness would form the foundation upon which he could rebuild redemptive relationships.
A genuinely repentant person is a broken and contrite person who has come to the end of himself (Luke 15:17), which starts with God’s favor (James 4:6). David’s thoughts were less on what he could do to fix his past mistakes and more on how he had sinned against God (Psalm 51:4). He was singing through quivering lips, “Nothing in my hand I bring; simply to Thy cross I cling.” He intuitively knew that the only thing that would please God (Hebrews 11:6) would be if he rested in someone else’s works. David’s works ruined his family, and more self-reliant efforts would only worsen even if good intentions were behind them (Isaiah 64:6). He needed a better move. Thus, he begged for God’s help.
As you move into your horizontal relationships, remember there will always be a gap between who you are and what people know about you. Your gap between reality and what they know about you does not have to be a bad thing. You will need discernment in communicating your true self to others, including parts of your past. The issue here is not so much the distance between who we are and who Christ is because none of us are perfect: There will always be a gap between the goal of Christlikeness and our Adamic starting points.
We know that full-blown, uninterrupted, continuously accelerating hypocrisy is evil. No Christian should be on that side of the fence. Christians are regularly surveying the scene of their hearts while trying to cooperate with God in closing the distance between Adam and Jesus. But it is not wise to reveal your entangled heart’s entire “gap” to every person you have offended (Jeremiah 17:9; Matthew 15:18-20). It would also not be wise to tell everyone about your temptations, limitations, fears, and ongoing patterns of sin. If your heart is contrite over your actions, you are willing to do whatever is necessary to make things right.
For example, I would not walk up to a man on the street and tell him some things that I tell my wife. And I do not tell my wife every sinful detail that floats through my brain. There are levels of transparency you want to factor into all your relationships. Your levels of transparency should resemble something like the following: God knows everything about you (Hebrews 4:13). Your spouse should know more about you than others (Ephesians 5:29). Your spiritual overseers should know less than your spouse but more than others (Hebrews 13:17; Ephesians 4:12-15). Some people in your local church should be your transparent friends. Other acquaintances, neighbors, workmates, and friends should know less about you.
Tip #1: Make sure people are pressing into your life, and you are aggressively building relationships with them to grow in a culture of honesty. Your primary “aggressive relationship” should be your spouse.
Tip #2: Everyone should know when they lie about something and hide things from their spouses. Maybe there are things you should not share, but you should be humble and willing to examine your heart while holding your self-analysis loosely.
Tip #3: Become biblically comfortable with the gap between who you are and your Christlike goals. Self-disclosure is a wisdom issue, but if you desire to reconcile your past with your spouse, the Lord will give you the illuminating favor you need on how to proceed (John 16:13; James 4:6). You will find a template for Christlikeness in Galatians 5:22-23.
Tip #4: Daily seek to close the gap between you and your spouse, which may mean talking about past mistakes that interfere with your one flesh union.
Tip #5: Read, digest, and practice the content on communication, e.g., The Most Perfect Relationship You Will Ever Have, Leading Your Wife In Intimate Conversations, and How to Build and Enjoy Dynamic Community Life. This content represents a few things Lucia and I began doing, which created the turning point in our marriage.
It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are because otherwise, we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in the hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. – Frederick Buechner, Telling Secrets, p.3
And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold” (Luke 19:8).
It is normal when a person has an encounter with Jesus to begin thinking about past damages done (Ephesians 2:2). That kind of desire reflects the restorative heart of Jesus. As you ponder your past and how you’d like to reconcile current relationships, these eight things will help.
1 – Carefulness about applying unique, historical biblical events.
Though any passage of Scripture can have multiple applications, there is always only one point to a text. The Bible does not teach absolute rectification of all past sins. It is a common mistake for Christians to take a story from the Bible, map it over their lives, and do similar to what the historical figure did. In the case of Zacchaeus, he was motivated to rectify his past sins. The point of the passage about Zacchaeus was his humility after meeting Jesus, not his unique-to-him works that flowed out of that humility. Though not everyone that met the Savior went back and rectified their past sins, some did.
2 – You may (or you may not) rectify past sins.
Several years ago, I tried to find my high school English teacher. I was a royal pain in her stressed-out rear end during my sophomore year. I went back to encourage her; I wanted her to know that her patience with me was not in vain. I also wanted to testify about the Lord’s goodness in this former rebel teen’s heart. I wanted her to know that God could make royal children out of royal pains. My reason for going was not instigated by what Zacchaeus did.
It was not because of any unresolved multi-decade guilt anxiety at work in my conscience. I did it because I respected her, my desire to glorify God, and the hope of encouraging her. (Regrettably, I could not find her.) It’s impossible to sift through your past sinfulness to make everything right. It’s also illogical, impractical, and unwise. Perhaps there are situations where you can, and it is right to try to make it right with those you have sinned against in the past.
3 – It may be possible to resolve current relationships.
If you have friends that you have sinned against, and it is possible to reach out to them, you should reach out to them and ask for their forgiveness. Spouses, parents, and children are a few of these relationships.
4 – It may be possible to reconcile with those suffering because of you.
If you have sinned against someone and the person is still struggling, it would be humble and correct to attempt to seek forgiveness from that person.
5 – If love cannot cover your sin.
There are times when love can cover our sins (1 Peter 4:8), and there are other times when it cannot. If love does not cover your sins to where you can’t be free from the guilt that accompanies your actions, you should try to pursue restorative forgiveness.
6 – If your conscience is condemning you for your past sins.
Seeking advice for conscience-related matters is imperative. Many things other than the Bible can sway your conscience. You need to carefully discern a weak, hard, dull, or sensitive conscience. Genuine conviction comes from the Spirit of God, and the Word of God informs it. I have seen where lousy religion created a false sense of guilt that was hard to discern from the Bible’s genuine sense of guilt. An instance of this is the person who wants to confess what they did as a way of paying for their sin rather than resting in the unmerited favor that comes from God.
7 – If you hear from the Comforter, Canon, conscience, and community.
Your fail-safe to know if you are hearing from God is the four-legged biblical decision-making-stool. If the Spirit, God’s Word, your conscience, and wise friends are on the same page, maybe you should seek to repair past wrongs.
8 – You cannot reconcile all relationships.
I have sinned against people and have sought reconciliation to resolve my misdeeds. Still, the other party was unwilling to cooperate. (Another typical situation where you cannot rectify past wrongs is after someone dies.) Paul’s language in Romans 12:18 is helpful when thinking about broken relationships. It should be the breadth of your responsibility to fix relational brokenness as much as it depends on you.
After Lucia and I came to a contrite place in our hearts and marriage, most of the stuff that was wrong vaporized. Many of those things were no longer critical. Then other things were shadows in the room or maybe pink elephants prancing for our review. You asked, “When you and Lucia realized you hadn’t asked for forgiveness for several years, how did you work out the gospel in that situation?” Two unalterable keys will let you know if the power of the gospel is working in your relationships:
The gospel, rightly understood and practically applied, does not minimize sin and does not allow you to linger on it. When the humble heart correctly dials into the gospel, the obliteration of past sins happens. As you think about your life, relationships, and the wrongs that may have come between you and others, please reflect on these questions. Perhaps sharing with a friend will help you clarify them.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).