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It is not unusual for a couple to attend church together for thirty years and be miserable in their marriage. They can pretend in the public domain but not so much in the privacy of their bedroom. People can be faked out, but when it’s time for physical intimacy, there is no faking. Though a wife may do her duty sex and the man may be oblivious, the fact is that the marriage is on hard times. Intimacy is either right, and their marriage is good, or it is not, and their marriage is in trouble. If their sexual life is disappointing, there is a reason: sin separates, and the bedroom is the most prominent place where they will discern this division. A good counseling question, when asked appropriately, is, “How is your sex life?” or “Talk to me about your sex life.” Fortunately, the Bible speaks to everything (2 Peter 1:3-4), so we do not have to go elsewhere to figure out what is wrong with our marriages.
If we do not deal with sin biblically, the tectonic plates of our sex life will shift, and our marriages will be off-kilter. We will be out of harmony with each other, no matter what kind of front we present. Sin is what happened to our first sexual couple. Sin entered the picture, and division arrived. They felt shame, which motivated them to hide from the truth (Genesis 3:7). This one verse in Genesis explains eloquently, powerfully, and sadly why sex can be such a problem in marriage and why it is an indicator of the more profound issues a couple can experience. Sex is as transparent as two people can be, and if the marriage is not right, one or both partners will begin layering themselves with fig leaves. When sin enters, the fig leaves come on, people start hiding from each other, and there is no desire to be entirely vulnerable, exposed, open, transparent, or honest with the other person.
You cannot have real physical intimacy wearing layers of fig leaves. Suppose there is unresolved bitterness, anger, frustration, guilt, disrespect, unforgiveness, hurt, malice, or insensitivity in the marriage. In that case, one or both partners will be hesitant to become completely naked—vulnerable and transparent—to enjoy biblical sex thoroughly. No doubt a man can be mean to his wife and demand sex from her. I am also aware a woman can despise her husband and have sex with him. Hate or disrespect toward each other does not equate to biblical sex. Biblical sex is an uninhibited willingness to unite with another person in God-centered, other-centered, impassioned unity physically. God-centered sex is the most intimate picture of Christ and His church—thoroughly and comprehensively joined as husband and wife (Ephesians 5:28-30).
For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does (1 Corinthians 7:4).
Biblical sex is the height of physical/spiritual unity. Sin will not only alter this kind of intimacy, but it will reduce sex to a person’s self-centered, self-satisfying, and self-serving cravings. Paul was able to bring the gospel to bear on all of life, which is why it is unsurprising that he had so much clarity on how the gospel should shape and form our minds when it comes to sex. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise, the wife to her husband. You cannot read what Paul told the Corinthians without seeing the gospel orientation of what Paul was saying. The gospel—Jesus Christ—is all about going, giving, serving, and helping. Jesus was clear about His purpose and role on earth (Mark 10:45). He poured out His life as a ransom for others.
The word Christian means Christ-follower: we imitate Jesus (Ephesians 5:1; 1 Corinthians 11:1; Philippians 4:9). Imitating Christ is not rocket science. We follow Him in all things. When it comes to sex, we are to implement and fulfill the gospel’s expectations. Sex is not mainly for or about me; it is primarily for my wife to enjoy. If she has a gospelized view on sex, she’ll think similarly. The real question is whether I want to pollute the gospel by turning sexual love into a selfish pursuit. Porn is one of the worst manifestations of this kind of self-serving sex. Masturbation is another form of the me-centered sex worldview as the person satisfies him or herself.
A poor sexual relationship is a symptom, not a cause. Though the symptom is inside the bedroom, the reason is outside. If you do not fix the real cause, your sexual experience with your spouse will never be right. Let me say it another way: If you are having sexual issues in the bedroom, sin is the culprit, and the first place you should look is outside your bedroom, where the sin is happening, specifically in the heart. Sex is an extension of who you are as a couple. If your intimacy is not right, there are things in your marriage that are not right. Your sexual life cannot be wrong, and that is the only thing wrong with you and your spouse.
Let me illustrate with a story that I trust is purely fictional for you. Suppose Biff slapped Mable across the face at 5 PM. It is now 10 PM, and Biff wants to have sex. Do you think Mable can freely give herself to Biff? Though I hope you have never slapped your wife, it is possible you could have done things that have caused her to put layers on, which has restricted your sexual experience. Some have said sex is a 24/7 experience for a wife and jokingly said it’s about 5 minutes for a man. That is an ignorant and uninformed statement. Physical intimacy is a 24/7, lifetime experience between a man and a woman. To understand this, you must know what is involved for a woman to be genuinely free to give herself up to a man.
For a woman to be free to give herself up to a man, there must be conditions put in place. Let’s think about this prospect for a moment. Let’s begin with the typical sexual experience of a man on top of a woman. That can be a picture of what a biblical marriage should look like—a man leading and a woman following (submitting). For the woman to freely follow her husband, she needs assurance in two primary areas.
Think about your most vulnerable moments in life where you sensed fear or the possibility of danger. What did you want to know from God?
If you know God loves you, and you are aware of His protective care (Romans 8:31), you can be vulnerable and free to follow where He leads. God has your back (Genesis 39:2). Love and security are two of the most powerful things a man can provide for his wife to be free to love him well. Give her your love and protective care. God made Eve for Adam, not for Himself. Adam had a responsibility to take care of Eve, which he did by doing for her what God did for him: He loved her while providing a safe context for her to be vulnerable. If Eve sensed shame, guilt, harshness, frustration, disappointment, unkindness, or any other type of disapproving sin, she would have been reluctant to open up to Adam freely. Sin inhibits intimacy. Ultimately, this is what happened in Genesis 3:7.
Think about what orgasm is like for a woman. (I know, I’m not a woman, but this is how I think about it.) Orgasm for a woman is a fantastical trip to a place where she loses momentary awareness of where she is as she enjoys the height of physical and spiritual delight. Let me illustrate. Have you ever played a game where you were blindfolded, and someone put a mystery food in your mouth? You would not play that game if you knew the other person did not love you and was not interested in protecting your well-being. Similarly, a wife needs assurance that her husband is entirely in love with her and he only has her best interests at heart. He is her lover and protector.
This kind of tested, practical assurance releases her to enjoy and experience lovemaking fully. If she is not confident of his loving and protective care, she will have one eye on him during sex and one eye on her desire to enjoy it. She will be torn (James 1:5-8). At best, it would be a double-minded sexual experience, which is a frustrating experience. She will not have assurances of his love because of how he has responded to her outside the bedroom. You cannot fake genuine love. If you love your wife, she will know it. That kind of love looks like the love of Christ, which frees your wife to close both eyes and take a fantastical, delightful trip with her husband.
There are several templates that we find in God’s Word to give us clarity on what the love of Christ looks like in marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is one such template. Another one I like is what we call the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Galatians is the main template that I use to gauge how I think about and treat my wife. Nothing will remove the layers of reticence and send a wife into the freedom of intimate love like a man who is exhibiting these Christlike character traits. These nine questions are excellent for assessing your outside-the-bedroom love for your wife. I’m asking these in a closed-ended way, but if any of them apply to you, I appeal to you to open them up by thinking, reflecting, processing, and applying, which may mean having a conversation with your spouse.
Imagine if your wife experienced this kind of love from you. The love of Christ coming through you would release her to be vulnerable with you. If you both are humble, I recommend you talk about this chapter (James 4:6). If one or both of you are not humble, I suggest you find help because there are unresolved problems that hinder you from reaching a place of maturity to have a Christian conversation about your sexual relationship. The critical thing to know is your wife must be free to be sexual with you, and if you are not treating her like God’s treasure (1 Peter 3:7), your bedroom experience will always be less than what God intends.
You cannot be snarky, mean, non-affirming, nasty, or unforgiving to your spouse and expect things to be right in the bedroom. You make things right outside the bedroom, and things will typically take care of themselves inside the bedroom. One of the most obvious but overlooked aspects of making things right outside the bedroom is a lack of daily repentance in the Christian home. Most Christians do not clean up their relational messes because they do not know how to repent. Active repentance is the only way God has given us to clean up our messes.
Dear Husband,
Be a leader. Lead your wife. If you want her to respect you, act like Jesus. If you do not imitate Jesus, humbly repent, remove the mistake, and begin emulating Jesus again. As God told Job, “Dress for action like a man” (Job 38:3). That means, “Pull up your britches and be a man.” Give your wife something to respect. Take a hard look at the character of Christ, as seen in the fruit of the Spirit. Ask God to give you the grace to assess yourself soberly. Find a true friend who will help you change.
Unless your wife is unregenerate or insane, she will love you for it. Perchance she refuses to change, you can still be right with God. Be a God-centered, gospel-motivated, Christ-loving, Spirit-empowered, Bible-informed man for the glory of God regardless of how she responds to or treats you.
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).