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Physical intimacy is part of a relationship experience, though it is not the totality of who two people are. It is the icing on the cake, not the cake. It is the tip of the iceberg, not the iceberg. The whole cake and the iceberg are the couple’s unique, full-time, uninterrupted relational adventures together. Imagine a child fed icing all his life while never given the cake. He would grow into an icing-centered adult. The sex talk isolated from an affectionate, relationship-centered home environment creates self-indulgent, self-centered, sex-centered adults. The sex talk should come in the middle of a relationship that connects a gospel-centered history with a gospel-centered future. A child does not need to hear the talk in a vacuum of technical terms that are disconnected from a God-loving relational experience with his family.
Relational disconnectedness is how our culture thinks and talks about sex. They are icing-centered, myopic hedonists who are wildly ignorant of the biblical purposes and pleasures of sex. That kind of worldview and practice did not happen by accident. They came into the world with Adamic, self-centered tendencies. Their parents did a poor job redirecting their Adamic trajectories. The sex talk should be one of many talks between a parent and child within a familial culture that is God-loving and God-centered. If you have been characterized by an other-centered life, marriage, and parenting model, then your child will upload and process the talk from a biblically healthy experience. He will have biblically saturated ears to hear what you have to say because of the kind of person you have been.
Sex is wholesome and good. It is one of God’s many gifts to humanity, which makes appropriate sexual discussions normal. The sex talk you’re going to have with your child is probably one of the most important conversations you’ll ever have with him, other than his relationship with Christ. If you are giddy about appropriate sex talk or if you have unwholesome ideas about sex, then please find help before you try to walk your child through this transitional period. You must not export an uncomfortableness about sex to him. He needs a mature and wise understanding of love, as taught from the Word of God, by secure and uninhibited parents who have worked through any dysfunctions of their pasts.
Sex should be communicated as a normal gift from God. Speak openly and honestly about sexuality to your child. Let him hear your faith in God and the goodness the Lord intends for His children through sexual relationships. Your child will learn from you. He is your student. Lead him. Speak the truth to him. Children love truth and are fully capable of embracing and responding to truth, even the deeper aspects of it. They want to be led, and their security will mature in proportion to the parameters that you use to guide them. Lead with courage, grace, and clarity. Parents need a healthy and biblical understanding of sex. If the parents are not right in their hearts and minds about sex, the children will know it, making it a challenge to communicate God’s perspective to their child.
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous (Hebrews 13:4).
Part of the talk will be negative—how some sexual practices are sinful to engage in, like sexual activity outside the marriage bed, pornography, or a gay lifestyle. You will be communicating with your child about what is right and wrong about sex, which means sexual sin is a prominent piece of the talk. For him to understand the sinful side of sex, he will need to have a right understanding of the doctrine of sin. In other words, the talk won’t be the only time he hears about a good and bad way of doing things. He should already understand sin and know how to respond to sin. This perspective means you should have been teaching him about our mutual fallenness and God’s redemptive measures early. The warfare between dark and light, sin and grace, should be part of your daily conversations.
One of the most effective ways to communicate your seriousness about sin and grace is through personal confession, practical application, and biblical reconciliation. Your example of openness and honesty about your failures is your most effective means of motivating him to be honest with his thoughts about sex and sexual confusion. He will upload the power of your sex talk with how you have transparently lived your life in front of your child. Your child should not hear about the dangers of sin and the gift of grace for the first time during the sex talk. He should have a healthy view of the doctrines of sin and grace by observing your sinful failures and God’s grace-empowered applications in your life.
One of the marriage goals for your child is when he is old enough to read Ephesians 5:25 for the first time that he understands the meaning of that passage. Your aim is for him to say something like, “Oh, I know what that means. That is how my dad and mom live all the time.” The hope is that they will not have to be told what this text means. They will already know because of your example. Christ and the church practically lived out in your marriage is one of the most important backdrops you can give your child when it comes to having the sex talk. Imagine a dad or mom having the sex talk with their son or daughter, and their marriage has been marred and characterized by anger, criticalness, and vindictiveness. What a confusing picture of what physical intimacy between two humans is supposed to be like.
Physical intimacy born out of selfishness rather than an event that flows from the fabric of a God-centered relationship and lifestyle is not the kind of marriage training a child needs. Sex is not a stand-alone event but a lifestyle. Suppose dad and mom regularly encourage each other and regularly repent to each other. They live an ongoing restorative relationship. If so, there will be a higher than average chance their children will have a biblical understanding of sex and marriage. As you already know, it’s an uphill battle. The promiscuous inclinations of our culture and what kids learn from social media make your biblio-centric example a breath of fresh air in a world that is antagonistic to the beauty, wonder, and holiness of sex. If there is holiness in the marriage, it will be easy for the child to connect sexual intimacy as a holy event sanctioned by God.
The number one counseling problem in most marriages is the passive male. The fall of man and the indoctrination of our egalitarian, feministic culture have nearly fully emasculated the male to the point where he does not want to lead his family—or he’s afraid to lead. He is not encouraged to lead his family. He is not expected to lead his family. He is not trained to lead his family. And women are more than willing to take over. The Bible assumes biblical male leadership from the husband. If the husband is leading properly, he will provide a beautiful marital picture of Christ and the church that will bring biblical clarity to a child who lives in a sexually dysfunctional universe.
It is less challenging for a boy to learn how to lead sexually when his dad is the leader in the home. No offense intended here, but a wife cannot teach a boy how to be a man. That’s like a cow trying to teach a bull how to be a bull. It takes one bull to know another one. The husband must lead his wife through the process of preparing for the talk with their child, whether the child is male or female. It takes two different people—male and female—to engage in biblical sex, and it takes a male and female to prepare to engage their children in the sex talk.
The husband models leadership, the same leadership he wants his son to exhibit as a husband. The daughter also learns from her dad what biblical leadership looks like in the home as he leads his wife. The daughter experiences biblical headship through his example. There is no better template for a boy or girl to learn what biblical leadership is like than from their father. Dad, do not delegate the preparation for the sex talk to your wife. You both play an integral part in preparing your child for a biblical understanding of sexuality. Do it together. When the boy is old enough to marry, he will have a wonderful template for biblical masculinity. The dad’s leadership will also be invaluable when it comes time for his daughter to marry.
The culture will not slow down and wait for you to get your sexual life and message together for your child. Don’t lament how things are. Expect it while being proactive in communicating your life and message to your child. Your intentionality will put you out in front of your children as you turn their hearts and minds toward biblical things while slowing down cultural encroachments. The world will run over you and your child. Show your child a better way. Your example is that way (Ephesians 5:1; 1 Corinthians 11:1; Philippians 4:9). If your example is radically different from the culture’s sex message, then it will be easy for your child to discern right from wrong. If your language, attitude, lifestyle, insight, wisdom, and habits are only marginally different from what our culture offers, then when it comes time to have the sex talk with your child, the information you offer will be murky, confusing, and possibly lost on them. Be proactive, alert, diligent, sensible, mature, and biblical about sex and sexuality.
In the last chapter, I discussed some of the basics for having a sex talk with your child—an overview of sorts. I hoped that many new parents would read it and begin thinking about how to talk to each other and their children. It will come sooner than you think, and rigorous biblical groundwork is essential. In this chapter, I have provided more details about what your home life should be. I hope to expand parents’ thinking. The talk is not just about sex but about a life lived before God, their spouse, and their child. You could classify these two chapters as parental preparation for the sex talk. They form the backdrop for having the actual sex talk with your child. In the next chapter, I will discuss some practical pointers for going on your retreat with your child and introduce some core materials that will help you navigate this transitional time in the life of your family.
As you have read this foundational content, you may have realized your home is not as God-centered as it needs to be. Maybe you perceived how the sex talk loses some of the biblical force it needs because of an inconsistent walk with God. If that is the case, then may I suggest two things:
Rick launched the Life Over Coffee global training network in 2008 to bring hope and help for you and others by creating resources that spark conversations for transformation. His primary responsibilities are resource creation and leadership development, which he does through speaking, writing, podcasting, and educating.
In 1990 he earned a BA in Theology and, in 1991, a BS in Education. In 1993, he received his ordination into Christian ministry, and in 2000 he graduated with an MA in Counseling from The Master’s University. In 2006 he was recognized as a Fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC).