Life Over Coffee | Blogroll

When discussing submission problems in a marriage, we should equally scrutinize the submission and leadership constructs. It’s not an either/or proposition. For example, a half analysis focuses solely on the man’s leadership or the wife’s submission, leaving holes in the reconciliation process. We must examine… Continue Reading …

It is common for someone to confuse their various roles within a hierarchal structure and their coequality with everyone within those structures. For example, a wife can be a sister, mother, employer, employee, church member, and citizen. She fits within all those structures and she’s… Continue Reading …

Every wife is equal to her husband, even though there is a call on her life to submit to him. These are not opposing truths but a biblically common sense perspective on marriage. Hierarchy and equality do not compete but expand the possibilities for how… Continue Reading …

A wife can be a husband’s most significant asset or a complicating liability. Most of us know this about our complementary roles in our marriages, but I wonder how many wives have thought through how to be an asset to their husbands by humbly leading… Continue Reading …

Harshness is one of the most typical forms of anger, and the most common context for it is within a family construct, especially between a husband and wife. When you put two or more sinners in a box for an extended period, their rawest Adamic… Continue Reading …

Sometimes you can forgive someone for their sin against you and reconcile with them. It’s a beautiful picture of the power of the gospel. Other times you can forgive them, but you won’t be able to reconcile with them, another picture, albeit incomplete, of the… Continue Reading …

Sometimes in some relationships, a person will utilize unforgiveness as a tool for self-protection. They weaponize unforgiveness, even if they do so unwittingly. They might hold on to unforgiveness because they have been hurt so many times by the same person, usually a spouse. They… Continue Reading …

Imperfect people are a universal problem. Most of the time, we do not struggle with the quirks of our fallenness—until we start living with one of those imperfect people. When you put two sinners in a box for an extended period, there will be problems,… Continue Reading …

A wife can be a husband’s most significant asset or his greatest liability. Most of us know this because people who live with each other affect those in the home—for good or evil. However, I wonder how many wives have thought through how much of… Continue Reading …

How honest can you be with your spouse? Is your marriage vulnerable, safe, and robust enough to communicate honestly? Are you free from critique and condemnation, releasing you to talk transparently with your mate? How much have things changed since dating, when communication was not… Continue Reading …

What makes Life Over Coffee different from other training organizations? Before moving on, will you “pause the tape” to answer my question? See how well you understand our purpose—what we are about, or if we need to improve how we communicate our purpose to you… Continue Reading …

No book can help your unique husband to become a better husband like you can. Sure, there are a zillion books, and we have the Bible, too. But when it comes to a wife’s role in helping her husband mature in Christ, she is his… Continue Reading …

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” The wisdom of Proverbs teaches how we will eat the fruit of our words, whether our words are good or bad. This truth can be particularly… Continue Reading …

What is the consistent spiritual direction of your home? Who is leading the family in that direction? Who is following the leader of your home? There is only one correct answer to these questions: the Lord must be leading the family, and everyone else should… Continue Reading …

Because of the clarity of God’s Word, the path to life change is not mysterious or elusive. If it were complex, we’d all be in a mess. Did you know that Paul gave his protege, Timothy, a practical plan for change that we can replicate… Continue Reading …

If you know someone who is not changing, do not despair. There is a way to help them. I’m not suggesting they will change even if you did everything perfectly, but there is a process for transformation that every Christian should know. I will break… Continue Reading …

Will you test yourself before you read this chapter? What are your thoughts toward those you would like to see change, especially those not responding the way you hoped they would? My aim is for you to consider the motives and methods you employ when… Continue Reading …

Sometimes, when people hear the term biblical counseling, they think about a two-tier system within Christianity: those who can counsel and those who cannot. When I talk to some Christians about biblical counseling, they step back mentally while disqualifying themselves by saying, “I can’t do… Continue Reading …

In any discipleship situation, the discipler’s theology must inform their discipleship process. Theology and application act as guardrails to keep the counseling process moving in the right direction while avoiding the inevitable hazards that inferior theology and deficient applications cause. Maintaining this type of counseling… Continue Reading …

Every person who comes to you does not always fully invest themselves in being free from their problems. I’m not suggesting they are insincere. I’m speaking to the complexity of some issues and the accompanying heart entanglements that have become part of a person’s life… Continue Reading …

Your friend comes to you with a secret sin. You are his accountability partner, and he asks you to keep his sin secret. How would you respond to him? Is it okay to pledge confidentiality or have an expectation of it? Does confidentiality have value… Continue Reading …

Are you more concerned about what God thinks about your sin or what others think about your sin? How you answer this question will determine the quality of your life and the way you interact with your friends. If you’re more concerned about God’s view… Continue Reading …

Did you know it’s possible to know God but still have a hard heart? Though we have many means of grace, like prayer, the Bible, our local churches, and each other, Christians are not impervious to the infiltration of sin or its dastardly effects. It… Continue Reading …

God did not create all friends equally. You have some friends you want in your inner circle because they are biblically mature and reciprocating. Perhaps there are others that you must keep at arm’s length because they are tedious and require more work to maintain.… Continue Reading …

A friend asked how you encourage someone when they are angry at God for what happened to them. The lady is mad because Sovereign Lord did not protect her from horrific victimization. He has been meeting with her for weeks and wondered if he should… Continue Reading …

Job’s wild ride through the crucible of suffering was coming to an end. The devil was nearing defeat, the Lord was receiving glory, and Job was changing. I knew the first two things would happen: Satan would lose, and God would win. What I did… Continue Reading …

When things do not go according to our plans, and the losses keep mounting, it’s only a short step from walking away from God and the caring friends who are willing to persevere with us and our suffering. It is possible to get to that… Continue Reading …

Does anyone love God because of who He is, or do we love Him for what we can receive from Him? I’m not implying it’s wrong to want things from the Lord because we should desire things from Him, like His salvation. However, there is… Continue Reading …

We have two possible responses to our problems. We can be problem-centered or God-centered. That’s it. The first reaction leads to anxious complaining and fear-motivated comments. Been there, done that. The second response is the path to peace, even while we are suffering. It’s hard… Continue Reading …

Sometimes, God can seem distant and possibly disinterested in what is happening in our lives. The silence of God is deafening as we seek answers when life takes a turn for the worse. We feel all alone on the ground level, a painful loneliness that… Continue Reading …

What the world, flesh, and the devil mean for evil, the Lord God Almighty intends for our good, creating a unique place where good and evil intersect to do battle in a Christian’s life. That spot is our crucible of suffering. While in it, confusion… Continue Reading …

Silence does not have to be a bad thing, even the silence of God. Quick to listen and slow to speak is biblical, according to James. The gifts of reflection and pondering seem lost in our impulsive, ready, fire, aim culture. There are times when… Continue Reading …

We have no choice about personal suffering (Genesis 2:16-17). It is part of the human condition, Christian or non-Christian. Suffering does not discriminate. Not even Christ could escape personal pain and disappointment, including a mob murdering Him on the cross. To be human is to… Continue Reading …

Sometimes the words we share with our hurting friends are not the best to say, albeit I realize we can say them unwittingly. Oh, how I wish I could rewrite many scenarios in my zealous Christian youth when I had more words than wisdom. It… Continue Reading …

Let’s Start Here: Are you problem-centered or God-centered? A quick way to analyze my question is by assessing your most common responses to the problems the Lord brings to your life. All things, big and small, provide the contexts for us to examine the strengths… Continue Reading …

Letting God be God is one of our greatest fears. When the circumstances are the most adverse, the temptation will be the strongest to bring God down to our level so we can argue with Him. This instinct is not unusual; we do it with… Continue Reading …

Children are born gaslighters, something that is no surprise to you, I’m sure. Kids, just like the rest of us, want what they want and have the propensity to use any means to get it. Since kids are small and relatively powerless, gaslighting as a… Continue Reading …

What would you rather have if you only had one choice: a change of circumstances or a change of mind about your circumstances? My question is critical and ties directly to the quality of life you will experience with God and others, especially when things… Continue Reading …

Everyone knows God comes through for us when we get what we want. Did you know He comes through for us when He gives things we do not want or appreciate? What did the Lord do for you that you did not understand at the… Continue Reading …

God operates with unexpected purposes that come in unsuspecting moments. He does this because He can observe our lives from an eternal perspective as He stands outside time. His creatures have a limited field of vision that is no wider than what we can see… Continue Reading …

If you have all you need to live a godly life, why is there internal tension that resists doing the right thing, especially while living in a relationship with someone who struggles similarly? What is my role in the sanctification process, and where do I… Continue Reading …

The crucible of suffering reveals our most authentic thoughts about God and others. Sometimes the Lord puts us in that crucible, even while we are doing good things for Him and others, to prove our genuine faith. Job was a man like this. Say what… Continue Reading …

The pressures of life expose our strengths and weaknesses. It happens when things outside our control go awry; we either rally our souls under the Spirit’s power, or we come apart at the seams. The suffering is the test. In those moments of unexpected challenges,… Continue Reading …

The suffering God permitted into my life after becoming a Christian was surprising and devastating. Before God saved me, I thought that becoming a Christian insulated me from disappointment, which was a compelling reason to trust Christ. I anticipated my new religion to be an… Continue Reading …

To understand the dynamics of a broken marriage, you must first examine the unique influences and internal dialogs of each spouse’s heart. In this detailed marriage series, Mark Grant gives us an in-depth insight into a struggling couple’s longstanding communication problems while providing a path… Continue Reading …

We can agree that personal suffering is the one thing we fear the most. Who wants to suffer? Think with me for a minute. Certain things come to mind that tempt us to fear. Maybe you don’t spend much time thinking about your fears. Good… Continue Reading …

Most couples will cite “communication” as the problem when experiencing marital conflict, but this fails to grasp the contention’s complexity or spiritual aspect. To help Christian couples struggling with marital strife, they must have an accurate understanding of God, recognize how sin has radically changed… Continue Reading …

On April 8, 1988, it all went wrong. I would later call that day the “beginning of woes.” After a full day at work, I walked into our home shortly past 5 o’clock and noticed the missing piano in our living room. I immediately knew… Continue Reading …

Christ’s Royal Law (Matthew 22:36-40, James 2:8-9) requires us to love God and love others; in these two things, rightly understood, we fulfill all that the Lord asks of us. As we grow in love, the image of God that was effaced in the Fall… Continue Reading …

How many ways does the Lord have available for Himself to help us mature into Christlikeness? Most folks would say the Bible, prayer, church, and close friends. They are correct. Those essential means of grace are for growing us up into Christlikeness. Here’s another. Consider… Continue Reading …

Grumbling is a minor sin, but like tiny breadcrumbs leading you somewhere, the complaining person shows you the practical condition of their heart. The grumbler might not perceive what their words are saying about them or their need for a gospel recalibration, but you must… Continue Reading …

Working through pain is part of the human experience. Problems come and go as sparks fly upward. Trouble and trials began with the fall of humanity, and they will not go away until Christ comes to rescue us. The great news is that we can… Continue Reading …

When the only opinion in the room that matters to you is the Lord’s, you’re as free as you can be. If you’re like this, you are like Jesus, a man who was not under the management of anyone else. Nobody could manipulate Him because… Continue Reading …

To say that God is all you need reduces your life to a “you and God in a silo,” which might sound nice if you’re prone to spiritualize everything while not factoring in reality. Spiritualized sloganeering typically fails the eye test in real-world dynamics. For… Continue Reading …

The most crucial relationship in your life is God. The most practical way to experience Him is in a community of like-minded believers who are intentional about helping each other mature in their relationships with Him. To know God better means your primary relationships should… Continue Reading …

To fully release your vulnerable and intimate soul to another person, you must know the individual is trustworthy and will lovingly steward all of your inner truth. This quality in a marriage is one of a husband’s most critical leadership requirements as he leads his… Continue Reading …

We are relational beings because God created us in His image (Genesis 1:26). God, who has always belonged to a Trinitarian community, made us in such a way that we desire to belong to a reciprocal community (Genesis 2:18). Made in the image of God… Continue Reading …

What is the most trustworthy indicator of a person who has authentically changed? How can you know—as much as one can understand objective, practical transformation? “He said he changed but did he?” Many folks have asked this question, and thankfully, Paul gives us our answers.… Continue Reading …

When most folks think about giving, they automatically default to money. It makes sense because money is vital to living well in God’s world. But if money is the only thing we think about regarding giving, we will miss out on some of the most… Continue Reading …

God’s salvation is a gift that we must steward, though managing His salvation does not imply we can lose it, an impossible feat. But we must share it with others. Suppose we do not steward God’s salvation by extending His gift to others. Who knows,… Continue Reading …

The Christmas season is a double blessing for Christians. We get to celebrate the birth of Christ, a pivotal point of the gospel narrative, and we can enjoy the cultural Christmas too. Our family has always loved the cultural Christmas—gathering with friends, gift-giving, and the… Continue Reading …

The gospel is more than a birth-to-death story. The life and death of Christ are part of an incredible golden chain that reaches from eternity past to eternity future. The best news is that we can enjoy the full benefits of the gospel by faith—no… Continue Reading …

Merry Christmas, everyone. The holiday season is the best time of the year, especially when our focus is Christ as we celebrate His birth and what it means to us. The Christmas season is a snapshot of what our ministry is about, sharing the practical… Continue Reading …

Rick, what are your thoughts on Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy regarding what you tell your kids? Do you say these characters are real or not? Is this harmless fun, or is there a problem with deception? The culture continues to creep… Continue Reading …

On Christmas day, people all over the world exchange presents. It is a cultural event full of fun memories for most people. I like many aspects of the cultural Christmas, but sadly, it loses its meaning for many folks because of its secularization. For them,… Continue Reading …

When you get to heaven, what will be the first words out of your mouth? I suspect it will be something like “thank you” for many of us. Two words. Two syllables. Sometimes less is more. Because gratitude and appreciation will be proper then, what… Continue Reading …

Relatives can avoid each other and conflict because of their busy lives and lack of intentional interaction throughout the year. Then there are those troubling holidays—and a few other special occasions—where we must engage those we don’t usually hang with in our day-to-day interactions. Minimally,… Continue Reading …

There are two kinds of people in the world: Christians and non-Christians. Within these two groups are subgroups consisting of those you prefer to hang with and those with whom you would rather not spend your time. Loving others the way God loves us can… Continue Reading …

As a former lonely man who dreaded the holidays, I know encouragement from a friend can make all the difference in the world. The holidays can amplify what we don’t have, and if a person is not relationally connected, this season intended for special memories… Continue Reading …

Boys and girls are different. You cannot say that aloud or the culture will cancel you. But it’s true, and when it comes to the act of love in reciprocal relationships, the different ways they respond to each other are fully displayed. God made Adam… Continue Reading …

Being reproved or rebuked is tough stuff. Nobody enjoys it. I don’t! When someone comes along pointing out a flaw in your life, it’s typically a tense moment because it cuts against the grain of our Adamic hearts. To be willing to have others speak… Continue Reading …

Did you know God puts you in spots where He expects you to fail? This perspective might sound harsher than it is at first glance. But what if God could use your sins, mistakes, shortcomings, and weaknesses for your good and His glory? Have you… Continue Reading …

Did you know that the rearing of the Millennial and Gen-Z cultures differs from the rest of us? Newsflash: It’s true! The moral lines were more straightforward for you and me: sin was a sin, and it was evident to most anyone. Regrettably, the culture… Continue Reading …

From a degree of difficulty perspective, Halloween is the most challenging of all our American holidays. We must give a little mental energy to this tradition for a few days every October. The good news is that this makes Halloween no different from any other… Continue Reading …

Have you ever wondered what happens to a person who exchanges the truth of God for a lie? Perhaps you know someone who has made this troubling exchange. They were once walking in the truth of God’s Word, but now they have created a new… Continue Reading …

Have you ever been alone? I’m speaking of the worst kind of loneliness, not your run-of-the-mill loneliness you experience as you wait for someone to show up. I’m speaking of a sting that penetrates the depths of a person’s soul. This peculiar isolation differs from… Continue Reading …

“He was nothing like this when we were dating. He would send me little notes, hold the car door open, and be thoughtful about almost everything. I’m not sure I exist in his world, except when he wants sex. I seem not to matter anymore.… Continue Reading …

The litmus test for a mature Christian leader is their ability to replicate themselves into someone else. If a leader does not copy himself into another person, the Christian mission stops—at least in that Christian’s immediate sphere of influence. A Christian leader is always thinking… Continue Reading …

What does your pastor think about when he thinks about you? Does that question sound strange to you? Perhaps you belong to a larger church where your pastor does not know you. Okay. But there is a leader at your church who does know you.… Continue Reading …

Paul told us husbands to nourish and cherish our wives. It’s stunning when you realize how much unfolds from these two words. Did you know if we understand and practice them correctly in our marriages, the benefit for us and our wives is invaluable, including… Continue Reading …

This prayer is the primary one that teaches me how to walk in the Spirit. The Lord has used this prayer more than any other to keep me focused and directed. I pray some version of this prayer several times throughout my day, though not… Continue Reading …

When you think about the characteristics of a good leader, what comes to your mind? I suspect many of us would think about a pastor of a church or a boss in the workplace or perhaps a husband or father. Those roles would be worth… Continue Reading …

One of the most challenging situations with any counselor or counseling ministry is placing counselees in a long-term “sanctification context” in their local churches where they may receive ongoing, life-long care from competent disciple-makers. At best, formalized biblical counseling is a fleeting season in a… Continue Reading …

One of the kindest things we can do is introduce a biblical sin plan to our families so they can enjoy the full benefits of the gospel. If we do this, we will begin to release an entire generation of people who will sin but… Continue Reading …

When I was a single man during the 90s, I worked a third-shift, dead-end job at a glue factory. There were about thirty employees, three of whom were practicing lesbians. I was grateful to have the job, but it was a difficult place to work… Continue Reading …

A lesbian walked into my counseling office looking for help. She had grown weary of her lifestyle, had a remote association with God, and thought maybe He was in her problems somehow, some way. She needed help sorting things out. It’s a great story. I… Continue Reading …

There are two objective positives from being part of a group. One is that you all believe the same things. It’s the upside to “groupthink.” Not necessarily bad. The second is a psychological positive of feeling good to be part of the group. You believe… Continue Reading …

Depression is a complicated problem that is the center of much debate. And though those arguments will always continue, there are a few things that you can do when struggling with depression. These practical suggestions will give you hope and will provide guidance for those… Continue Reading …

Think with me for a moment about what it means to be a bit player in a grander epic. The Christian life is God inviting us into His story that is coming true. We are not inviting Him into our story, hoping He will make… Continue Reading …

There is an interplay between truth and freedom that dynamically changes your life. The more the truth of God’s Word anchors you, the freer you are. Our example, as always, is Jesus Christ. He was supposedly the freest man ever to live. People’s opinions did… Continue Reading …

Pride is a catch-all word for sin. You could say that pride is sin, and sin is pride. Pride is a helpful word in that it accurately describes our fallenness. It is a word we know and a word we understand. For example, when I… Continue Reading …

One of the primary responsibilities of a wife is to disciple her husband. She is the number one sanctifying human agent in his life outside of himself, of course. Nobody knows more about him than she does. To disciple any person well, you must know… Continue Reading …

What is contentment, and how do we acquire it? Did you know it is a gift for the person who can live well on any point of the abundance to emptiness spectrum? Finding contentment seems elusive in our frantic and distracted world. Other matters weigh… Continue Reading …

Can a Christian walk away from God? To help work through this question, we must first recognize and accept that Christianity is not neat, and sin has never been respectful of our preferred categories. We also have to admit that this conversation is subjective in… Continue Reading …

The Internet is an angry place. It’s one of the sadder commentaries about the Internet period in church history to see how it has become a context to put our sinful hearts on full display before the world. Revealing my wicked heart is nothing new… Continue Reading …

God is calling us to trust Him. There is a plan for this, and we are part of His plan. The tension, of course, is that He’s the author of our stories, and we are not. Preferably, I want to be the writer of my… Continue Reading …

We have a herd mentality that drives us to conformity. The temptation to conform to the status quo is alluring. Rare individuals want to stand out and take a stand that is counter to the group’s norms, drawing attention to themselves that might be criticized.… Continue Reading …

Christian legalism is the bane of religion. It’s the persistent nemesis in all of our hearts. Though we usually discuss legalism regarding our salvation, I’m speaking about how it affects our sanctification after being born again. Most Christians I encounter do not struggle with a… Continue Reading …

There is an intrinsic nature to bitterness. The bitter person is like someone with a cup of poison. Each time they think about their problems, they take another sip. In most situations, the individual is not aware of what they are doing to themselves. It’s… Continue Reading …

People often ask me for parenting advice. It’s a broad subject, and depending on the age of the children and a host of other factors, my response is always different. Sometimes I tell them what we did, not because we have figured things out or… Continue Reading …

What would you say if you could share the top fifty things you would want your son to take into adulthood? If your son is young, you’re in a great spot to start teaching some of these things. If your son is in his teen… Continue Reading …

Every child, to varying degrees, is treated poorly by a parent. I wish I had another story to tell. Victimization is not okay or straightforward, but it is a fact about the fallout of fallenness. If the child does not know how to process the… Continue Reading …

It is not unusual for a marriage to be out-of-balance or spiritually off-kilter. There are many reasons for this problem between two formerly inseparable people who now have something between them that keeps them asymmetrical. Before addressing how to deal with a spouse who does… Continue Reading …

Patiently loving the abused while listening to their story to comprehend what happened to and in them is vital. Additionally, you will represent Jesus most effectively if you do not move faster than they can go. Of course, you want them to experience restorative freedom,… Continue Reading …

Sexual abuse is one of the most devastating and complicating sin crimes that someone forces on another human being. Though I don’t fully understand the horror of this type of abuse because it has not happened to me, I’ve sat with many victims of sexual… Continue Reading …

Anger is one of our most common temptations. You cannot put two imperfect people together for an extended period and expect them not to have conflict. Anger will always be a recurring feature of their relationship. Knowing how to navigate the conflict while removing the… Continue Reading …

Roll through your mental index, identifying the kind of person or people group you do not prefer, those you typically avoid. They do things you don’t like. Their attitude, mannerism, behavior, worldview, or [fill in the blank] is not your cup of tea. Perhaps it’s… Continue Reading …

Sometimes the English language is inadequate for conveying our thoughts. Words always seem to fall short when there is a personal or national tragedy. Tragedies remind me of Job’s friends who made a wise choice in the beginning not to speak so quickly. Horrific events… Continue Reading …

Everybody is a victim. We all received a raw deal. And life is not fair. I’m not mocking anyone, but merely stating the obvious. Nobody comes into the world unscathed. We’re fallen individuals. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve’s dastardly deed sent the… Continue Reading …

Few things are more frightening to a child than an angry dad. An angry father in the home is the metaphorical equivalent of rolling a child’s heart through a minefield. The angry dad forces the child to live between two worlds: strive to be perfect… Continue Reading …

When children are young, they believe their parents are impressive in about every way. As they grow older and create proper categories for living well with others, they begin to see their parents’ good and bad behaviors. Observing flawed lives in the family dynamic does… Continue Reading …

We live in two worlds at the same time, the physical and spiritual. We can see, touch, taste, smell, hear, and intimately engage each other in the physical realm. The spiritual world is all around us, too, but differently. We cannot touch, taste, smell, hear,… Continue Reading …

The angry heart does not have to direct its frustration toward anyone to complicate that relationship. All the angry person has to do is stand in the vicinity of those who receive the spillover of their anger. Whether you’re mad at someone or intoxicating the… Continue Reading …

I have been accused (my word, not theirs) of writing too much about how husbands need to change. Of course, my “accusers” are husbands. They may be right. I do think a lot about husbands for two primary reasons. I am a husband, which motivates… Continue Reading …

Transformation starts in a person’s soul as he relates to God while refusing to make excuses for why things are the way they are. The motivation for change must be a singular desire to glorify God while giving lesser consideration to the things happening in… Continue Reading …

Two radically different things are knowing God through personal study and experiencing Him in the crucible of suffering. This autobiographical short story briefly walks you through the worst day of my life, the day I met the Lord in the crucible of suffering. Everything changed… Continue Reading …

A husband who devalues his wife did not just become this way. There is always a trail that leads to this outcome. Devaluing a spouse is a symptom, not a cause. There are two ways to keep from marrying such a selfish, devaluing man. One,… Continue Reading …

Our minds are an integral part of ourselves that establishes a definitive trajectory for how we live well in God’s world. Did you know the Christian mind evolves into four different types? Like mile-markers up the interstate, we begin with one type of mind, and… Continue Reading …

New Testament sanctification typically happens in corporate contexts, not in isolation. It is appropriate to say that you can do many things by yourself, but sanctification is not one of those things; it’s not possible to image the Trinity by living apart from the community… Continue Reading …

If you want to change your life, you need a self-help book to guide you through the process. The good news is that there is a perfect book for you. It’s called the Bible, the world’s most perfect psychology book. Yes, the best psychology book;… Continue Reading …

Bible knowledge is incredible and a non-negotiable for any serious believer. But knowledge without application is futile, practically speaking. For the Bible to master any of us, we have to do more than read it. Think of it like two silos side by side. One… Continue Reading …

Traditional biblical counseling does not work well if a counseling session, sprinkled here and there, is all you have. That strategy places the burden of change on the counselor rather than on the individual who needs a new kind of habituated lifestyle. Biblical discipleship happens… Continue Reading …

Authentic health initiatives require both body and soul transformation. The secret sauce is a comprehensive approach to losing weight because while behavioral modification might provide quick visual results if we don’t change our hearts, those external transformations will revert to our old manner of living.… Continue Reading …

Weight loss is one of the most sensitive subjects we can discuss today. Image-type discussions are more personal than the things we cannot observe about each other. Some folks are so opposed to talking about it that they have redefined what overweight and obesity are;… Continue Reading …

Part of every Christian’s calling is to take care of their Father’s money. Stewarding finances is one of the many privileges that He gives to His children. It’s a stunning thought to think that God would entrust something so needful to steward for our good… Continue Reading …

How do you feel when inconsiderate people say unkind things about you? If you’re like me, it stings a bit. It’s exceptional for a person to shrug off uncharitable comments completely. In these unsavory moments, sometimes a person will throw up Matthew 7:1—Judge not, that… Continue Reading …

What are your thoughts about “his money and her money” in a marriage? Is it wise or unwise? Somewhere in between? As you ponder my questions, please include your thoughts on what a one-flesh marriage means. Perhaps you have heard the cliche about the left… Continue Reading …

God promised that life would be challenging because of the fall of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:17-19), and all those who came from the first couple would struggle similarly (Romans 5:12). From the fall of humanity to the end of… Continue Reading …

Anger is a relationship-fracturing phenomenon that happens too often between individuals. The angry heart desires something from someone who does not provide it or is not responding quickly enough. Because their desire is not finding satiation, the craving soul begins to manipulate the other person… Continue Reading …

All Christians bring parts of their past lives into their new salvation experience with God. If we do not see how we carry over these things from our pasts, we will continue to accommodate our old habits, practices, and delusions (Ephesians 4:22). The consequences can… Continue Reading …

Angry people are like puppets on strings, always controlled by their cravings—something they cannot get from others. James said it this way, “You desire and cannot have, so you murder.” The mad puppet can’t get what he wants, so he reacts with manipulative anger. The… Continue Reading …

Sinful anger is a universal problem. Everybody does it. For many people, it’s the most recurring sin pattern in their lives. It’s easier to be harsh than kind, to uncharitably judge than think the best, to shut people down than build them up. For the… Continue Reading …

Expressing anger through silence is an all-too-common communication conflict in too many relationships. The silent partner pretends the other person does not exist by ignoring them. Silent treatment sounds horrible enough, but if you place it within James’s framework for anger, what we’re talking about… Continue Reading …

There are times when it’s hard to tell if a person’s anger is righteous or not. Of course, there is the added issue of thinking the best of ourselves when it comes to our anger. Thus, the temptation to reclassify our angry moments is alluring.… Continue Reading …

The preaching of God’s Word is essential for life transformation but preaching alone is not enough to change lives and families. A transformational church is both a preaching center and a discipleship community. A preaching center and discipleship community work in tandem from the pulpit… Continue Reading …

Sinful anger is regularly minimized, even among Christians—or especially among Christians. We often reclassify anger to lesser-sounding offenses—to better-sounding sin categories. Typically, when I talk to people about being angry, the response is usually along the lines of, “Oh no, I’m not an angry person.… Continue Reading …

Have you ever wondered what is going on in the mind of the angry person? It’s not what you might think. Anger is our most common and problematic enemy that can set up camp in our hearts. If practiced often, it can become a habit… Continue Reading …

Let’s free associate: what goes through your mind when you think about rest? What does rest mean to you, and how do you obtain it? Perhaps it would be good to ask yourself if you are a restful soul. Knowing how to rest and being… Continue Reading …

There are times when we can deceive ourselves into believing we are doing good when we’re not. The deceptions of sin are subtle. Having someone speak into the things we cannot see is vital, which is what I did with Biff and Mable. This mindmap… Continue Reading …

There are times when you have to do hard things for those whom you love. You do the difficult things because—in some situations—it’s the best way to honor someone. Some caring friends have a hard time applying this truth to those they love. Usually, they… Continue Reading …

What do you want to be when you grow up? It’s not just a question for the high school graduate. I did not figure out what I wanted to be after growing up until I was thirty-eight years old. Some of us are a bit… Continue Reading …

One of the unintended consequences of the biblical counseling movement is that counseling is for a select number of Christians. Though God has blessed the biblical counseling movement over several decades, one of the problems with the unprecedented growth is that we forgot to tell… Continue Reading …

Authentic and mature Christianity is always on the mind of any discipler because it is crucial to discern such things with those who receive your care. As much as you can subjectively understand, the actual spiritual condition of a person is essential to know. Here… Continue Reading …

Marital dysfunction and the potential separation of a spouse is a horrible experience that happens too often in Christian marriages. Did you know there is a way to separate well and a way to do it badly? Separation and divorce are not what we should… Continue Reading …

You have heard the saying, different strokes for different folks, right? It is a practical perspective when it comes to assessing people because every person presents a unique opportunity to figure out so you can care for them according to who they are. This concept… Continue Reading …

A biblical counselor interviewed Rick Thomas about a situation he is counseling with parents who discovered their child is watching porn. The counselor asked questions that are in italics with Rick’s responses underneath. The fictionalized, flattened version of the story is the dad came to… Continue Reading …

Loving people is the biblical thing to do. For some believers, over-loving or over-caring is not biblical but one of the most accessible temptations to fall into, especially with those you love the most. If you do “over-care” for those you’d like to experience change,… Continue Reading …

The transformation process is not mysterious, though it can be a big secret hidden from a Christian. The steps for repentance are objective, sequential, and transforming. You can change, and you can help others in their progressive sanctification. I want to help you distinguish between… Continue Reading …

We have no choice but to be dysfunctional. We’re all broken in different ways, as disordedness is part of what it means to be born in Adam. Even on our best days, imperfections appear like a stain under white paint. Our collective fallenness is why… Continue Reading …

Mable has struggled for many years with guilt. All of it is real, though much of it is not her fault. After twenty years of fighting, her guilt—true and false—is so convoluted that it is hard to sort it out. In one sense, it does… Continue Reading …

What comes out of your mouth when you do not get your way reveals your theology of suffering and theology of God, which shows your Christian maturity. Jesus was correct when He said that what comes out of our mouths explains what is happening in… Continue Reading …

One of our Supporting Members asked me about a worldview on having fun. She wondered if she was supposed to have fun, and she expressed how there seems to be an element of mystery about what fun should look like for a Christian. Are Christians… Continue Reading …

One-to-one interaction is the most efficient way to help another person change. For too many believers, discipleship in a community, in the context of a local church, is not the place where you see this kind of intentional reciprocality. Favorite books and popular preachers become… Continue Reading …

Some relationships can become so painful that you must retreat while implementing self-protective measures to prevent being hurt again. The unintended consequence is that the strategies for protection can imprison you, which is what happened to Mable. Her husband was harming her, so she did… Continue Reading …

Sometimes stereotypical counseling can get in the way of what you want to do with an individual, especially when the counselee has a preconceived, pessimistic instinct about where you want to go with him. You’ll see this with some teenagers, for example, because they sense… Continue Reading …

Why God blesses some and does not bless others is a complex and sensitive issue requiring theological carefulness. Without that kind of carefulness, you might have a misunderstanding of the Lord and His purposes in your life. Recently, a supporting member wrote me asking why… Continue Reading …

Spiritual dullness in a community of Christlike disciple-makers is hard to imagine, but it happens all the time. We can lull ourselves to sleep, lose our gospel edge, and before long, we are ticking the Christian boxes without thinking. If the practice continues, we will… Continue Reading …

The interplay between our physical and spiritual selves needs responsible engagement within the Christian community, especially how a conflict between two people can lead to diminishing health. I have counseled many spouses with declining health that often paralleled the sinful relationships with their spouses. In… Continue Reading …

All of us are victims. Adam dealt us a death blow. And to complicate matters, we’re also blameworthy. We are guilty victims or victim sinners if you wish. It’s not a comfortable thought, but it’s an accurate one. Everyone practically possesses these two polarizing truths.… Continue Reading …

God is not looking for a few good men or women or folks with specific character traits. It’s not our personalities or our wits that God wants. That is not how it works in the “grace of God world” where you and I live. Though… Continue Reading …

When it comes to our reputations, the Christian has two choices from which to choose. We can build a personal, sacred monument to ourselves, or we can choose to enhance the reputation of Christ. When we take our theological exams, we know which box to… Continue Reading …

All Christians have one common problem that sits foundationally at the core of their being; it is the biggest struggle in their lives. It makes sense, right? If each person’s mightiest battle were unique to them and dissimilar to everyone else, you’d have to be… Continue Reading …

Where in the world is worldliness? How you answer this question will determine how you live out your Christian experience in God’s world. Your “system of Christian practice” flows from how you answer the worldliness question. Let’s investigate legalism. In this series: Part One and… Continue Reading …

Legalism is a complicated subject. It stirs passionate responses from many Christians. If you’re in a legalistic culture, it’s hard to get out. If you did come out of it, it’s typical to overreact by going to anti-rule excesses. In this two-part series, I will… Continue Reading …

The word gospel has been the most popular word in evangelicalism for many years. You can’t go wrong with the gospel. Or can you? Is it possible for God’s creation to take a good thing like the gospel and twist it into something not right?… Continue Reading …

I wrote this piece in 2012 originally. I’m republishing it with a few edits since the sad saga continues to unfold. I was part of Sovereign Grace Ministries from 2003 to 2008, and for four of those years, I served as a pastor. It was… Continue Reading …

Every person has an idea of the kind of life they want. There is nothing wrong with thinking about your life while planning for a preferred outcome. But because of our universal fallenness, things do not always work out the way we hoped. How we… Continue Reading …

Homosexuality is one of the more sensitive issues today, which should cause heightened awareness for Christians to guard their attitudes regarding how we respond to this problem. Following Paul’s advice would be wise when it comes to interacting with the gay culture. We must be… Continue Reading …

What do you do when a Christian does not want to restore his relationship with God and others? Fortunately, the Bible does not leave us in the dark about this vital subject. Some people call it church discipline. Others call it church restoration. Both of… Continue Reading …

These are the actual counseling notes from a friend that I met with for counseling. She permitted me to share them, which I altered slightly and flattened out for public distribution. Counseling notes miss a lot of data. While they cover the breadth of one… Continue Reading …

Emotional abuse is real and painful. If ongoing, it can have a detrimental effect on your body and soul. Understanding emotional trauma biblically is vital, which is why the term “emotional abuse” is misleading, unhelpful, and sub-biblical. The Bible has a better way of thinking… Continue Reading …

Do you love Jesus with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength (Matthew 22:36-40)? Do you not particularly care for all of His children? Is there any individual in the body of Christ with whom you find it hard to like? Perhaps you can… Continue Reading …

How do your attitudes, words, and actions move people? Our behavior motivates people in one direction or the other. We are pushing people toward Christ or away from Him. We’re not responsible for their choices, but we are vital secondary actors who must always think… Continue Reading …

The sin that nobody wants to talk about is our penchant for pornography. If you want to silence a small group setting, bring up the topic of porn. It’s uncomfortable because so many of our friends are addicted to it, and for many of us,… Continue Reading …

Apart from your profession of faith, what is the supporting evidence you have that demonstrates that you are a Christian (John 3:7)? It’s a bold question, I know. But wouldn’t it be worthwhile on this side of heaven to evaluate such a vital matter? While… Continue Reading …

Member Question – One issue I struggle with is the death of friends or loved ones who never appeared to come to the saving knowledge of Christ. There is not a lot said on this issue. There is a great joy, of course, for the… Continue Reading …

Are you the victim of a generational curse? Is there something wrong with you that only makes sense when you filter it through a generational curse construct? Did you know that some Christians believe in generational curses? But what does the Bible say about these… Continue Reading …

How do you discern the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow? Though the question may seem to be your “run-of-the-mill” Bible question, how you answer it will determine the quality of your life and relationships. You may want to read: Here Are Rick’s Counseling… Continue Reading …

Here is a simple parenting model you can immediately apply in your home. It flows out of two words in Paul’s parenting verse in Ephesians 6:4. Paul is urging dads to bring their children up in the discipline and the instruction of the Lord. Discipline… Continue Reading …

When a person sees ministry strictly as something they do at a church building that is separate from the rest of their lives, it is a setup for all sorts of problems—personally and relationally. We must not dichotomize ministry because all of life is our… Continue Reading …

A friend asked what I would say to a counselee I have yet to meet. I said that I have no idea what I would say until I meet them. I’m not sure what he wants or what he is going to ask me. I don’t… Continue Reading …

Counseling abuse situations is challenging. The temptations to succumb to bad strategies are numerous. One of those is teaching the abused to fake strength to prove to their abuser that gaslighting and manipulation have no power. It’s an attractive facade of a defense that further… Continue Reading …

Many teenagers still long for a relationship with their parents, but they are unsure how to have one or what their role could be in thinking correctly about a parent and the possibility of restoring what the parent has broken. You may want to read:… Continue Reading …

On April 18, 1997, I got the call that nobody ever wants to receive. My sister-in-law called to let me know that she killed my brother. I remember writing in my journal that it was a sunny, 67-degree day. It was a perfect day—until that… Continue Reading …

Some stories are so bizarre that you can only respond with shock and unbelief. It breaks our categories and reinvents how we are supposed to think about God. It happens when we hear about a horrific event that is happening to someone. Then God interrupts… Continue Reading …

Some folks have hope, but their situation never changes. They give up and become cynical because they won’t know a different kind of future. Then some have hope that keeps them going regardless of unchanging circumstances. Their hope of the heart buoys them during the… Continue Reading …

Thinking about our past should be a positive time of rejoicing in God’s good work in our lives, though, with some folks, it takes work to come to a place of peace about their past. In nearly all counseling contexts, understanding the past is crucial… Continue Reading …

Trials and disappointment are two unexpected ways the Lord blesses our lives. It’s a challenging way to think, but you know it’s true to the Bible’s narrative. The tension is that in those times in our lives where circumstances mount to such a degree, we… Continue Reading …

One of the many peculiarities of our over-psychologized age is our culture’s affinity for their various attempts to figure out personalities. The peculiarity is not so much with our culture’s fascination with the personality and human condition as it is how the church has jumped… Continue Reading …

Have you ever accused yourself of something that was not true? It’s when you gaslight yourself, telling yourself something that is false. Any false argument launched against yourself can quickly turn into a mental stronghold that could debilitate you spiritually. We are susceptible to false… Continue Reading …

Have you ever been in a situation with a person who needed your help but could not receive your help because your baggage was so significant that it interfered with what you could have done for the person in need? I’m talking about your hangups… Continue Reading …

There is a heightened awareness of the gospel—the person and work of Jesus Christ—during Easter. Christians worldwide are celebrating what many consider to be the centerpiece of His work on earth. It is great news; He’s out of the grave! Now what? Christ risen indeed… Continue Reading …

The more effectively you appropriate the death of Christ into your life, the more effectively you’ll be able to enjoy “a resurrection kind of Sunday” every day of the year. The key is knowing that your resurrection will only come after your death, which is… Continue Reading …

The resurrected Christian is a different kind of person—someone the world has never seen outside our community. The Christian is as diverse as darkness and light, death and life. For some Christians, their new birth’s authentic reality is challenging to practicalize in their day-to-day lives.… Continue Reading …

The best relationships are the messiest ones. At first glance, it sounds odd, right? How can good friendships be dirty? Because we’re fallen, broken people, and to live well with others requires getting into the muckiness of each others’ lives. If you’re interested in going… Continue Reading …

How many reasons can you think of as to why this is a mind-blowing Easter? Easter Sunday is the best day of the year for all Christians around the world. It would be a great exercise to list why you think it’s so. Will you… Continue Reading …

Understanding the other person in any relationship is foundational to building a life with them. If you don’t know them at a soul level, all your efforts to connect in an in-depth way will fall flat. You will end up as acquaintances, perhaps business partners,… Continue Reading …

There are instances when Christianity’s baggage can entrap a person, and they never realize it. They never connect a lack of consistent joy, constantly trying to control how people perceive them, and hiding longstanding flaws to the Christian life they live. They genuinely love God,… Continue Reading …

When you fall out of love with your spouse, your marriage takes a drastic turn that few couples can alter. Long before the love sets sail, there are signs that point to a future disappointing season. Mable saw the signs but did not reach out… Continue Reading …